When I was born, I was more soul and divinity and less body and thought. I did not have to play games to please people, I did not have to develop a personality according to other people's choices, I could gurgle and play and laungh and be a joy for everyone. All those around me felt unconditional love, which brought me great peace and joy.
The three Magis came to me, adored me and laid at my feet the three gifts as they did with the baby Jesus: my three gifts were love, peace and joy. I had a parallel love in the life of Jesus and all the other great masters, gods and goddesses, but I felt nothing in my heart, till my awakening.
Time went on and that unconditional love changed to accomodate the demands of parents, home, family and society. The unconditional love disappeared and maybe somebody will say that there was conditional love, which is 'liking', when you like a person, you have expectations of them. Unconditional love has none.
I became smart, like the rest of the world, I hid my secret, my great desire for love, for that divine exchange of energy at the soul level. I developed a charming, charismatic personality, and hid my need from the world and from myself and lived in dishonest, false words, saying, "I love, I love, I love." I didn't. I never knew the meaning.
Like went on, I lost my love. I lost my joy. I lost my peace. I looked for it in rock and stone, in the clouds, in water, in liquour, in lust, in greed, in friendships, in children, in husband and wife, in society. No luck, no joy, no peace...all was lost.
I read books. I cried out to my teachers, "Tell me what is love?" But all I got back was, "to be a committed person, to be a good daughter, a good son, to play the role in the family that society has assigned you." I did all that, but at the end of the day, all I had was the emptiness in my heart and hands.
Can you help me? Can you answer my question? Have you found love? Unconditional love, without demands, without expections, without role playing?
The Great Awakening
One day at satsang, we were discussing relationships and in the relationship, unconditional love leading to interconnectedness with all things in the Universe. During this talk, my heart was crying out, "What do I know about love? will I get my answer today?"
We were told to sit in silence and feel the interconnectedness with all the other people in the room. I felt nothing. The question hour began.
"Did all of you feel interconnectedness with each other?"
A hand shot up, and a cocky voice answered, "Of course I did!" My heart sank. If I am asked this question, will I be dishonest? And then it struck me, so often, when I say, "I love," I don't love. I come from untruth and dishonesty. I waited with baited breath and the person who answered next spoke the words which I would have used if I had had the courage to do so.
The person answered, "I feel no connection with anybody in this room." Shock, disbelief and dead silence. The teacher asked us all, if we could feel interconnected with one person and connection and the flow of energy from one to the other? She told us the flow of energy from one person to another is concentric and all benefit by it.
I realized having lived in the dishonesty and the untruth of no connection harms his or herself and the others, because there is a break in the flow. This break in flow results in disease, unhappiness, stress.
Then we were asked to meditate and bring in front of us some relationship which was not working and to see how it had happened. I picked on someone who is very dear to me, and discovered that instead of being in a loving relationship, I was in a personality exchange to impress my friend, and the love was hidden under the personality.
The secret was revealed to me that this relationship and others were not satisfying, were at times unsuccessful, because there was no exchange of love, only pretense, performing and play acting.
I've realized that in today's world we are all working at the thought level, and a lot of us believe that your thoughts can make things happen or not happen. This led me to feel that my secret of nonloving was causing no love to happen.
Personality exchange without love occurs because we believe we are the body. But all mankind is soul and spirit, and love is an exchange of energy from soul and spirit to soul and spirit. Love is. God is love. And Man is Divine. And Divine exchange can only be at the energy level, the spirit level, and the soul level. And this is the secret the Magi revealed to me.
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